Slumsnot Millionembarassments...I'm bad at these

The date: A viewing of "Slumdog Millionaire"--Friday night 8 pm show (AKA the couples' hour)

Proof of purchase:



If you look closely you can see my awe-struck eyes over a pile of popcorn.



The story: As far as dates with yourself go, the movies aren't so bad. Typically, the hardest part is purchasing your ticket ("only one, please") and walking in. Then the lights go out and no ones the wiser. Last night, however, was not typical.

Bought my ticket. Easy. Walked inside the theatre which begins with a sort of "vegan cafe"--(yeah, ok...where's the popcorn?)I step inside and it's like those scenes from the westerns where the music stops and everyone looks up...Except everyone was drinking coffee instead of whiskey and they had laptops instead of guns--also no one challenged me to a duel of any sort.

Walked in the theatre. I was beginning to feel like a pansy for doing this movie date...this really wasn't too embarassing it's not like I haven't gone to the movies by myself before. I was worried what I was going to relay to you people. So I purchased a popcorn and M&M's. That's right. A lot of us women hate eating alone. We'll often tell our friends that we're not eating unless they get something too. Then when we both are eating we'll constantly check the others progress in their food--just to make sure we don't look like we're eating too fast. It's really quite sick if you think about it. Anyway, so not only am I alone but I'm alone and shoving my face with gratuitis amounts of butter (it was one of those "put the butter on yourself" things...I was very generous)then mixing said butter with handfuls of colorful chocolate. Did I mention there was a vegan cafe upstairs?

Sat in the theatre. I walk in from the back and quietly find a chair on the aisle. There are the single chairs in the back (usually used for those with handicapped friends) to ensure I wouldn't have to endure actually sitting next to another person but I want a better view so I move forward. I have my own row for quite awhile despite all the incoming customers--it actually began to make me nervous. Was I a leper of the community? Forced to sit in my own row for fear of infection? Or maybe I'm a bit dramatic. I don't know. Eventually the theatre fills up and an older man in a group of two other men and one woman (Hmm) has to sit next to me.

It begins. Now,let me explain something of importance. I've been quite ill all week. I was better at this point but my sinuses are a little clogged and start to get worse while waiting for the movie to start. I feel the moist driplets begin to build in my nose. I look in my purse. Oh. my. God. I didn't bring any tissues! Simple, you say, just get up and get some! And here's what I say back to that--remember the popcorn and the chocolate? Remember that it's cold out and I also have a jacket and a scarf? Remember that I'm alone and no one can save my seat or watch my stuff in the ever more crowded theatre?!?!? It's ok. You forgot.

So I find one singular senstation...one already semi-moist tissue in my purse. Gross, you say. I'm in a pinch so suck it, I say. I'm blowing snot and my eyes begin to water intensely, like they often do when your sinuses are haywire. The man next to me looks and sighs. The movie begins he shoots several of these looks at me. Watch the damn movie it's up for awards! I didn't really say that. I'm trying to be as polite as possible, turning my head to quietly wipe at my nose(give me a break I thought I was better)...then I realize as the man whispers to the girl he's with--who in turn looks over with a "poor thing" frown on her face--that he thinks I'm crying! The snot, the running eyes! I'm by myself! He probably thinks I got stood up! He probably thinks that I'm alone in the world and crying at my fate! He probably is wondering if Hugh Jackman will deliver at the Academy Awards! (Oh I'm quick all right).

The movie ends. I get up and rush out immediately as I see the first of the credits.I run to the restroom. I look like a wreck--like somebody died. "Touching movie, huh?" a woman says. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. It does look like I cried. Why. can't. I. be. invisible. I don't know what to say I want to explain that no, I'm sick but who really wants to hear that when they're in an enclosed space with someone? I smile and say mmhmm and run out of the bathroom up the stairs out of the theatre. Ok I didn't run. I walked pretty calmly. I grab some napkins on the way out to finally REALLY blow my nose. My nose is now raw. But the movie was pretty good.

What I learned: The Indian host of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" isn't nearly as charming as Regis or Meredith.

Want to go on a date with youself to the movies?

1. Despite my experience (which was greatly at my own fault and awkwardness) I highly suggest it. Even if you're in a relationship, have a big, tight group of friends--alone time is important. Seeing a movie alone is a true assessment on whether you really liked it or not. You have no other opinions influencing you. There may not be anyone to debate with after the movie, but you'll be working your mandulla oblongata by playing devil's advocate in your head. Beyond that it's just relaxing--it keeps you from forgetting yourself.

2. Bring tissues. Even if you don't have a cold you don't know what that movie has up its sleeve. Even if you don't think you'll ever cry at movies, well...go see "Marley and Me." Also, bring cough drops.

3. Don't be afraid to buy food. There's no better place to shove your face then in the dark. It adds to the movie experience and it shows that you're not uncomfortable or unconfident with yourself/being alone.

4. Don't drink too much! If you're alone and have a lot of items or the theatres really crowded and you don't want to lose your seat, getting up isn't much of an option. If you're braver then I you can also ask the person next to you to watch your stuff--but you're putting your trust in their hands...and your coat.

5. Men--I feel like a movie date alone for men is harder. Simply because men have the creepy factor--especially if they have a fetish for the romantic comedies. The creepy factor shouldn't stop you from going, boys! Just don't act creepy! Don't sit right next to or right behind a woman when there's not many people in the theatre. Don't act shifty in your seat! Be confident (if you like romantic comedies flaunt it it's actually attractive)! Do react to the movie! It's ok to laugh...if you're staring blankly at the screen and lowering in your seat we're going to think that you're a murderer. Or at least I will and I can't be the only freak on the planet.